Last night was a doozy.
I know myself pretty well. I'm usually even-keeled during stressful times. Like these last two semesters - while I've had fleeting moments of insanity due to having no real time for myself, I never broke down.
Last week was the first week I didn't have to haul ass over to Belleville every single day - it went down from six days a week to two. Life got considerably better. I was still busy, but it was logistically more on my terms.
So after having a logistically lovely week, I bottomed out last night.
This happens to me. When the stressful time is over, that's when it hits me. And it hits hard. Knocks me off my feet.
Here are three very telling examples of how stress manifests later for me, both physically and emotionally:
1. The end of my marriage was tumultuous, but I was physically fine until I decided to go home by myself for Christmas to get away. As soon as I was safely within the confines of my family and the trigger was removed, I had terrible heartburn, an upset stomach, and headaches. I also sat through the Christmas Day premier of "Titanic" and bawled my fool head off for almost 4 hours. When I returned to my sucky marriage, those symptoms went away. I was knee-deep back in stress.
2. After the last few months of my very difficult marriage, I decided divorce was the answer (after counseling, soul searching, etc.). The week after the decision was made and the stress lifted, I broke out into hives. Those lasted for about a week, coming and going.
3. I was engaged, and there were problems in the relationship (not mine). I moved out and got my own place. As soon as I did so, I got hives pretty much every day for three months. And all over - my lips, face, hands, arms. My employees thought I had an allergy to life. I ended up seeing an allergist, who couldn't find anything that would produce hives like this. Eventually they went away, but they were the direct result from former stress.
So last night I didn't see any physical manifestations of my stress, but the emotional ones were there. I felt the mood overtake me at the end of the workday. Hopelessness. Frustration. Sadness. An overall feeling of "how will I ever dig myself out?".
I went to the group that I run at school, which is called WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). It's like an owners manual of yourself. Last night the topic was Triggers - specifically, what things trigger you (make you mad, bother you), how to cope, and how to avoid the triggers altogether. Things like messiness, gossipy people, traffic, agreeing to do too much, etc.
Along with the class I wrote out all my triggers, recognizing many. Then wrote about how to cope and avoid. This helped me to recognize what was going on with me now, and what I needed to do.
I ended up calling a very old, dear friend on the way home from group for support and was infused with love. That helped a lot. He also gave me some suggestions on how to get through the tasks I needed to complete before heading to bed (all part of my triggers). So I busted through my list, and by 10:00 was happily seated on the couch, watching a show I'd recorded earlier. Heaven.
During times like that, it can be difficult to see beyond the feelings and formulate a plan. With the help of WRAP I made a plan, executed it, and moved beyond the feelings.
I feel great today. I'm five weeks away from graduating with my M.A. in Professional Counseling, at which time I'll be a therapist. I've learned a lot over the last two years, and feel that I'm in a much better place than ever before. And I have met someone who seems to be the real deal. He's intelligent, kind, has great energy, is emotionally available and is a good communicator. A few more dates should give me some additional insight as to whether I want to keep going.
We shall see. :-)
