It Ain't Me, Babe....

Oscar, I'm breaking up with you. You started off the evening in all the right ways - I was prepared for an outstanding, spectular event. But it went downhill from there. Fast.

The Foreplay:Smiles and Shivers
I was taken with your very shabby-chic rendition of Best Picture nomination-mashup. Anne Hathaway was clever, she was a great little helper. Who knew she had such chops? Bravo.

The Buildup: A Promise
Bringing out the elite group of former Best Supporting Actresses was very thoughful, a nice touch. Class, all the way. Eva Marie Saint, Whoopi Goldberg, Angelica Huston, Tilda Swinton and Goldie Hawn. What a collection of broads. However, someone should tell Goldie to come in from the 1970's beach. And either grow out or cut those bangs!

In The Throws: Akward
I was let down when Maniston came out on the arm of Jack Black (actually a fitting combination) and proceeded to talk down in her usual way to the audience. All smarmy and smug - she's no Friend of mine. She didn't belong, and it was written all over her face. Can you say uncomfortable?

The Climax: A Letdown
The announcement of Heath's win for Best Supporting Actor came rather quickly from Alan Arkin, as if he expected it. There was no build up. Kevin Cline was the only ray of light on that stage at that moment. Heath's parents were gracious, as were the gratuitous shots of certain weepy audience members. Just kind of felt rather planned and unspontaneous. A turn off.

The Cuddling: None

On that note, I am afraid I have to let you go. The lights are dim on what once was a bright and reciprocal relationship. There's no spark. The passion is gone. And there isn't any blue pill on this planet that will get our connection back.

I have a confession to make. I've met someone new. It just kind of happened, and it just feels so right. And since I just don't see you and I going anywhere, I'm excited to try this new direction.

Her name is Emmy.